Thursday, January 5, 2012

Paradox

After last night's DSMA chat (transcript found here), I found myself thinking about possible "goals" to set for myself related to my diabetes care. Several others and myself have made mention of diabetes burnout, and it's no secret I've been in a terrible rut for quite some time. On my 45 minute commute home from work tonight, I pondered simple beginnings and small steps to take to try to steer myself back on to the right track.

Then I got to wondering, "Good god. Where DO I start?"

Even the simplistic goals like one blood test a day or carb-counting (REAL carb counting, not SWAGging) one meal a day were overwhelming. I already felt burned out before even attempting any resolutions - even changing the damn lancet seemed pointless.

Feeling totally hopeless and lost about how to take care of myself, I wondered what my problem is. WHY is this so damn difficult for me? I've had burnout before, but never this deep or for this long. All day I help people manage their diabetes. I talk them through how to best manage their blood sugars and motivate them to live a good, healthy life with diabetes. Why can I motivate others and not myself?

Then it hit me.

Diabetes is my life. It's my job. It's my personal life. It's my friends. It's my social network. It's my blog. Diabetes is me (haha, Cherise). There's no escape. Pursuing my goals, I dove headfirst into a life completely consumed by something I've already been intimately tied to for 22 years. Could my "dream job" be pushing me farther into the rabbit hole I don't know how to hop out of?

Oh, boy. I don't really know what to do. I know I'm not leaving my job, obviously. I worked too hard to get here. I landed the position I had been waiting for. 22 years of living with D, 8 years of college, and a year of working as a dietitian. I asked and I received.

Once again (this seems to be a recurring theme here), I have no answers. But I know it's going to involve a compromise... With myself.... Somehow...

"If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment." ~Marcus Aurelius

2 comments:

  1. Working in a diabetes program in a health clinic, I've sorta started feeling the same way. And before then, I'd get burned out....by listening to people talk about THEIR burnout! I'm in a good grove healthwise right now. But I've definitely backed off of Twitter and blogging. I adore many people in the DOC, but you're right-- when it permeates you, it gives you purpose but it's freaking obnoxious. Ideally, I would spend more time having REAL conversations with DOC friends, and not idle chatter online....which I guess I'm working on. :)

    Good luck, though! I feel like you've got your head together enough to tackle the paradox and feel better about it all. :)

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  2. This is exactly why I never wanted to go into anything D-related, because I wanted a distance between that part of my life and what I did for a living. In talking to my CDE who's a longtime Type 1 since childhood and been doing that job for many years, she told me that she's developed a specific wall between her own D and that of her patients. Trying to get me back on track, she told me about her tricks of finding something that inspires and motivates me to live and be healthy and use that as my reason to take care of the D-Management on my own end. She had a dream of doing an African safari, and she accomplished that dream. She also has a goal of not ending up like a great friend who went into kidney failure as a result of poor control, and she uses those as examples for herself. No clue whether that helps, but I thought it was a beneficial way for at least this CDE to navigate the line. Good luck, my friend. Let me know if you need anything.

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